"Crispy, flakey, tender, moist, filled with molten sugary goodness melting in my mouth. That is the yumminess of pie. Also, pie contains fruit, and therefore it is good for me. Unless it contains cream. In which case, cream is a milk product, and therefore has protein, and therefore is good for me. See? Pie is good for me. You know it. It has protein and fruit and goodness and wholesomeness. Like America and mom and everything that’s good in the world. PIE IS PATRIOTIC, DAMNIT. Why won’t you just let me have this? My country needs me to eat this."